Tonight is the night! The Food Porn Party!
Meet Larry Cauldwell and see his films “The Zimlet” and “Food Porn”
Hey there America! (and people from other countries who aren’t too poor to afford a computer) I'm a food Porn star! Welcome to my Blog! Come meet me at The Food Film Festival and I will put my nuts in your mouth...my sweet and Salty Bourbon Nuts! If you want to get in touch with me because you want some advice on how to be sexy and awesome feel free to contact me at scrumptiousdelicacies (at) gmail (dot) com. If you want to interview me thats cool too...if you want to sell me stuff...I'm only interested in Zima! You're Welcome.
Grilled cheese and Tomato soup is the perfect snack to warm your soul on a blustery autumn day…it is also the perfect dish to make for a woman if you want to guarantee yourself a happy ending…you see a little while ago a Norwegian friend of mine named Tommy asked me what the perfect meal to guarantee a happy ending was…its definitely not smoked salmon… I thought long and hard about this…if you know what I mean, and after conducting quite a bit of research i am pleased to declare that the perfect happy ending inducing dish is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Or more specifically my “Vermont grilled cheese and heirloom tomato soup.”
It turns out that there are a lot of morons in America. With “moron” being defined as the following: people who drive 5 mph under the speed limit, people who can’t read, detroit lions fans, and finally people who make grilled cheese with crappy Kraft yellow cheese. “Kraft american cheese” was just one of the shocking things I discovered in my search for the perfect happy ending inducing meal. I discovered that the standard cheese for making grilled cheese in America seems to be a substance known as yellow Kraft american “cheese” which tastes like something that was fermented in a texas prison. This is a problem! Now don’t get me wrong I have no problem with huge multinational corporations pumping my food full of artificial ingredients and dyes, I’m a proud American after all and I trust huge corporations. In fact the only problem I have with Kraft American cheese is that it tastes like ass wax. A great tasting sandwich starts with great tasting ingredients. Thats why I recommend using an aged vermont cheddar cheese. Even though Vermont is a pinko socialist paradise, Vermonters sure make some great cheddar, that is when they’re not voting for Obama or getting gay married. Vermonter make amazing cheese….and maple syrup…and also beer…and i almost forgot cider doughnuts, they make really good cider doughnuts…and ice cream too, but thats it! And also chocolate, Lake Champlain chocolates are really tasty.
The following tips will help you make the best grilled cheese of your life!…unless you’ve eaten a grilled cheese that I’ve made, in which case it will be the second best grilled cheese of your life.
The thickness of the bread is important. You need to get a whole non pre-scliced loaf. It could be a delicious brioche or something lame like wheat….its your choice…jut make sure that you’re the one doing the slicing…(interestingly enough in Norway they let you operate the bread slicing machine yourself! Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen to me, but maybe Norwegians just aren’t as stupid as Americans.) I prefer a type of bread known as a white Pullman loaf… So named, i believe after it’s inventor, Bill Pullman the star of 1996′s smash hit “Independence Day.”
The other key to mind alteringley good grilled cheese is butter… and also the proper level of heat. You must lightly butter the bread and cook it over very low heat (the lowest your stove will go) until it is golden like a field of wheat in a Sting music video. This is because the bread for your sandwich is thicker and it therefore takes longer for the cheese to melt… if the heat is too high the bread will burn before the cheese melts. You see, the the goal is that the bread must be perfectly golden at the exact time the cheese is perfectly melted.
Here we go:
This serves 4-6 normal people or one very fat person such as Rosie O’donnell
For the Heirloom Tomato Soup:
5lbs of Heirloom tomatoes (or vine ripened tomatoes if you’re cheap)
Cut the tomatoes into small sections then toss them in a bowl with a large pinch of salt, pepper, and a drizzle of olive oil…just enough to coat them. Then arrange them on a baking rack set over a cookie sheet and put them in an oven preheated to 250 degrees for 3-4 few hours to roast and concentrate their flavor.
After the tomatoes are shriveled, like in the above picture. Peel off the skins and put the tomatoes in a blender on high. And purée the fuck out of them, add a little water if the puree is too thick. Strain the puree through a strainer into a pot and and then add the heavy cream. Add salt and pepper and you’re done. Yay…and happy endings!
Technically this soup is a variation on Vichyssoise…after all its made with potatoes and leeks and is served chilled. Though if you prefer it warm you do that…its actually really good warm, maybe even better warm than it is cold. Anyway I’m not going to call it Corn Vichyssoise because I’m not a Nazi. I’m just kidding…Vichyssoise has nothing to do with Nazi’s its just hard to spell… In any event this recipe was loosely adapted from Thomas Keller’s Bouchon cookbook…and by loosely i mean “Courtney Love” loose.
This recipe is pretty straightforward…with one exception. It requires two and a half cups of corn juice. Not corn puree, not corn stock, and not the stuff that comes in a can of corn. I’m talking fresh corn juice. Like fresh squeezed fruit juice but from corn. “Where do I get such a bounteous delicacy?” you may ask. The first and most obvious way to achieve this is to juice it in your juicer. Make sure to cut the kernels off and don’t juice the cob unless you have a professional grade juicer or you enjoy the smell of smoking motors. What?! You don’t have a juicer?!! Go buy one. They’re like 85 bucks. Well worth it. If you don’t have one and don’t want to buy one even though it will be the best investment you’ve ever made (except for that Apple stock you bought in 1980 for 22 dollars a share) then the next best thing to do is to take your corn, go to your local healthfood store or a place like Jamba Juice and ask them to please pretty please kindly juice it for you. I haven’t ever had a problem getting someone to do it for me and I have a mustache and wear Hawaiian shirts with cutoff jean shorts. They may look at you a little funny but whatever, they work at a juice store…they should not be judging anybody. These stores have hardcore juicers so just have em juice the whole ear, cob and all. Many places will do it for free if you are nice…I am nice, and I never pay for juicing…or other things, if you know what I mean…except in Thailand.
This is what you need
This serves 4-6 normal people or one very fat person such as Aretha Franklin
Corn Potato Leek Soup
4 Small Leeks
The Beer Battered Corn Silk:
The silk from 9 ears of corn (green parts only)
First shuck the corn. Or better yet have someone else shuck the corn. This is one of the few things children are apparently good for. Discard any brown silk and reserve the green silk for later…for when you deep fry it! Cut off the kernels and juice them in your juicer. If you don’t have a juicer you should read the previous paragraph…if you can’t read…well then you have no idea what i’m writing write now…Blah Blah horse bastard pomplemousse kjhdsfher, you are inbred or perhaps you’re just blind, bummer…moving on…
In a large pot or dutch oven* melt the butter. Slice the onions, leeks, and shallots thinly and add them to the pot. Season the vegetables with 2 tsp of kosher salt and stir regularly over low heat to “sweat” them for about 15 minutes. While the vegetables are “sweating” peel the potatoes and cut them into thin slices. After 15 minutes add the garlic and continue to stir for another few minutes then add the potatoes and continue to stir for 5 more minutes.
Add the corn juice and 3 cups of water to the pot and bring to a simmer.
Lower the heat and then simmer everything for 30 minutes. After a little while you may notice that the liquid becomes grainy looking, this is fine and is just the natural starch in the corn juice thickening. After 30 minutes remove the pot from the heat and let the soup cool enough so that you don’t burn yourself horribly when you try to puree it in a blender…If you burn yourself don’t say I didn’t tell you so. You’ve been warned!
Pour the mixture from the pot into a blender and puree it in batches. Use the remaining 1/2 cup of water to thin the puree if necessary. After blending the soup pass it through a fine mesh strainer or china cap/chinois into a clean pot. You will need to push it through the strainer with the back of a ladle. This is important! Otherwise your soup will not be silky and smooth like beautiful woman’s skin. Add the cream and the remaining teaspoon of salt and the ground pepper. Bring the soup to a simmer briefly and then remove from the heat. Either serve it nice and warm right then or refrigerate it overnight.
To serve: Spoon the soup into bowls and place a cluster of beer battered corn silk in the center. Drizzle the soup erotically with a little olive oil and enjoy.
For the beer battered corn silk:
This is a delicious and crunchy if somewhat unnecessary way to garnish the soup and use the silk if you’re into that sort of thing. All your “Eco” and “Foodie” friends will be really impressed by how good you are at using the whole ear of corn…well except for the husks.
First Beat the egg in a bowl and then add the beer. Mix it thoroughly. Add the silk to this mixture and let it marinate for about 10 minutes.
In a separate bowl combine the flour, salt, pepper, and red pepper. After 10 minutes take the silk, in small amounts, and dredge it in the flour mixture. Make sure to shake off as much beer and egg mixture as possible as this helps prevent clumping. And no one likes “The Clumps” except for fans of the Nutty Professor of which there appear to be about 4-5 in the United States. Try to separate the strands into individual pieces in the flour so that they won’t stick together when they are fried.
Heat the oil to 350 degrees and then fry the battered corn silk in small batches until it is golden. It doesn’t take long, literally 10-20 seconds. Spread the corn silk on paper towels to dry and then gather the silk into small clusters to use for garnish when serving.
*This is not the “Dutch Oven” where you fart in bed and then pull the covers over the person in bed next to you’s head.
Like most topia’s, Meatopia at first seemed to be perfection. A scrumptious “utopia of meat” with the scent of hot barbecue and smoked meat wafting through the air and leggy Amstel Light girls in short dresses glistening with sweat while serving ice cold beer in the golden sun. In a certain sense it was truly a “utopia of meat.” However, like many topia’s, on closer inspection I came to realize that perhaps Meatopia wasn’t really a “meat utopia” at all…. but was instead….(cue dramatic music)…. a “meat dystopia.”
I spent Saturday July 23rd stuffing my face with delicious hot meat…and no it wasn’t because it was the weekend that all the Gays in New York could get married (although i’m sure that involved lots of hot meat as well) it was Meatopia! The annual event, sponsored by Whole Foods, was a cornucopia of scrumptious meat delicacies from restaurants and meat purveyors across the country mixed with cruel and unusual distractions which tilted it dangerously close to becoming “Meatdystopia!”…what follows is the truth about this Brave New World of Meat!
The entrance to Meatopia was appropriately awe inspiring and beautiful…even perfect? Or was it? In a scenario strait out of the Hunger Games the event took place on a pier with beautiful views surrounded by cold refreshing water… seemingly perfect… yet it was 101 degrees out with a heat index of even higher. The crumbling concrete pier had no shade but for a few umbrellas…. and that cold water…had 120 million gallons per day of raw sewage pouring into it At Least there was perfection to be found in much of the food prepared by many of the chefs from around the country.
The “Walden Two” of Meatopia:
In the magical land of “Walden Two” B.F. Skinner imagines a place where everyone is happy, creatively fulfilled, and we all live in peace according to scientific principles. B.F skinner also invented the “Pigeon guided missile”…a misslie with actual pigeons inside it… In any event luckily the scientific principle that “hot smokey meat is delicious” was in full effect at this event. There are so many great things about stuffing your face with hot smoked meat that it might be hard to pick out the very best about this event. Luckily as a hot meat lover and a generally judgmental person it wasn’t difficult for me.
The most scrumptious meat of the evening was from Philippe Massoud of Ilili restaurant…his Mediterranean Lamb ribs were beyond amazing. I should point out that unfortunately he didn’t win any prizes…except for the prize from me… for “most crazy delicious hot meat!”
Other Delicious Meat
I headed over to Pier 5 the day before to scope things out as the event was being set up only to find a number of chefs already barbecuing. One of the things that later became apparent to me was that many of the chefs who ended up producing the tastiest meat morsels were there a day early smoking meat patiently to make sure it had maximum flavor and tenderness.
This is Sean Brock and Rodney Scott’s delicious whole Ossabaw hog which took home first prize. These guys smoked this thing for 24 hours and camped out all night in 100 degree heat! On top of that they’re nice guys and the gave me some delicious moonshine as well. Bravo!
The winner of the Lamb category was Seamus Mullen from Tertulia in NYC his whole roasted Lamb was like crack…delicious spit roasted crack!
and here it is over the fire
Sooo good!!!! Also sooo good was the Pastrami rubbed brisket from Four Rivers smokehouse. Smoked all night long.
Before I delve into the Orwellian aspects of the event…I’ve got to give credit where credit is due… Josh Ozersky gathered an tremendous assortment of meat masters at this event and the food was stupendously scrumptious! That being said…
The “1984″ of Meatopia:
1984 is George Orwell’s tour de force about a dystopian future ruled by an evil dictatorship bent on controlling society through violence, oppression, suppression, and doublespeak…If Meatopia is the Oceanian province from 1984. Then Whole Foods is Big Brother. Whole foods ostensibly (i actually don’t have any idea what the actual reason is) sponsored Meatopia as a way to celebrate delicious humanely raised meat. Unfortunately 95 percent of the humanely raised meat served at the event is not available from Whole Foods. Good luck getting lamb belly, Mangalitsa bacon, a leg of veal, a pig head, or beef cheeks from Whole Foods. The folks from whole foods spent nearly three hours talking about how great their butchering is and yet they can’t get you the vast majority of the meat served at the event. That’s some doublespeak. Its not to say that the meat they sell is inhumanely raised…its just that you can’t actually call them up and get them to order you…say a leg of veal. Whole food’s is also a company that prides itself on it environmental awareness. So it was certainly ironic that Fiji water was also a sponsor. There’s nothing that says “green” like shipping thousands of miniature plastic bottles of water from halfway around the world to New York City. Thanks Fiji water! God knows that the tap water here in New York is undrinkable! In addition to water, ice cold beer was flowing freely. Much to my chagrin there was no ice cold Zima, there were however more beer taps than i could count…and every single tap had a delicious different beer that pared perfectly with one of the meats. Just Kidding! They were all filled with Amstel Light… In the spirit of locally and sustainably raised food one might have thought that Heineken International, the owners of Amstel, might have been able to provide a beer from less than 3,000 miles away, or if not that, at the very least more than one kind of beer…but i suppose they’re only a multibillion dollar company with 180 or so different brands of beer so that’s a lot to ask. Lastly an event sponsored by a sustainable company such as Whole Foods might at least pretend that there wasn’t tons of garbage and discarded food as a result of the event…in 1984 they would have at least made up some kind of propaganda about how everything was biodegradable.
Ohhh and lastly….what about Pat Lafrieda’s whole roasted steer? Well lets just say that there are reasons why people don’t roast whole cows aside from the sheer physical difficulty of cooking a half ton animal.
Larry Reviews the World’s best restaurant’s bathrooms: Per Se
Per Se is without a doubt the world’s best restaurant….located in a shopping mall. With 3 michelin stars, 4 stars from the New York Times, and a ranking in the World’s 50 best restaurants there is no doubt that Per Se has some of the best food in the world. Many think that everything to be said about Per Se has already been said. These people are wrong…introducing “Larry reviews the world’s best restaurant’s bathrooms: Per Se”
Fennel and celery root salad with Sesame crusted tuna:
It seems these days even the most healthy and beautiful women in the world think they’re fat. This scrumptious delicacy is a super healthy salad made with fennel, celery root, and sesame crusted tuna. It’s really easy and perfect for the women in your life who thinks she’s . . . → Read More: Cooking for women who are healthy…and think they’re fat
Where was I?
Well here I am looking sexy in Venice, Italy! But I also went to some other pretty awesome places that you’ll be hearing all about!
I’ve been traveling around the world…you know just hanging out and being sexy. Two months on what I like to think of as a “non academic sabbatical.” On . . . → Read More: Larry’s non academic sabbatical
I love fashion week! Unsurprisingly i spend a lot of time hanging around models and celebrities. We all just hang out and act really cool while being really sexy! Fashion week is full of women who are thinner than a Somalian lepper but are still convinced that they’re fat. If you spend a lot of time . . . → Read More: Fashion Week: Women who are too thin…and think they’re fat.
It’s New York fashion week and only one day after valentines day! What better time to share some tips on a very important topic…Cooking for women… who think they’re fat. I was spurred to share my extensive knowledge of this topic with you when I received a letter from a fan named Bobby. He asked me . . . → Read More: Cooking for women…who think they’re fat.
If you often find yourself asking “What kind of recipes are inappropriate to post on the cooking website food52?” you’ve come to the right place. In my attempt to get as many people as possible to put my nuts in their mouth I shared my Bourbon Bacon Toffee nuts recipe on a number of websites. One . . . → Read More: Recipes that are not appropriate for food52
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